This post is a continuation of my story of becoming Miss USA. You can read about what it was like to win Miss USA in part 1 here and what life was like as Miss USA in part 2 here.

Saying Goodbye to New York

It took me over a week to pack up everything of mine from the Miss Universe apartment. MUO was kind enough to provide me with as many boxes as I needed (I think I ended up needing 21?), and they were going to ship everything to my new apartment in Los Angeles. In those final weeks, I sat down at my desk in my bedroom and pulled out all the business cards I had collected during my reign from those I had the pleasure of working with – charities, designers, and even executives at Food Network and NBC. I began to write thank you notes one by one to each of them, thanking them for being a part of my reign and for changing my life. 

MUO had also arranged some meetings for me with Food Network in New York because I really wanted to be a host on a cooking show, or even host a show involving food and travel. A accompanied me, and she very graciously explained to them my work ethic and helped me describe all of my experience with food and being on camera. Unfortunately, they just didn’t think I’d be a good fit. Their words were, “It’s hard for us to have a cooking show host like you because you’re so thin. People won’t believe you actually eat food.” Ouch. 

I still did not have much of a plan for my life once my reign was over, but just because I still didn’t have answers didn’t mean it still wasn’t time to move out. I had an appearance scheduled in Orlando, Florida before flying to Las Vegas to crown the next Miss USA, so I was leaving the apartment several days earlier than expected. D spent my last night in the Miss Universe apartment with me. We stayed up late chatting in my bed before falling asleep. In the morning, I hugged her and L goodbye, and just like that I also said goodbye to the Miss Universe apartment. The Miss USA bedroom was bare now. The closets were empty. The bed was to be stripped and redecorated with new decor for the new queen. The bedroom vanity was clear. The drawers fully emptied out. This wasn’t my room anymore. This wasn’t my home anymore. I closed the front door behind me, and I began to cry as I walked down the hallway towards the elevator. I wasn’t a resident here anymore. I was leaving and I wasn’t coming back.

I was emotional as we took off from New York to Orlando. The next time I would return to the city, I wouldn’t be the reigning Miss USA anymore. I had made countless departures and arrivals in and out of New York over the last 12 months, getting to call midtown Manhattan my home, and now this was my final departure as Miss USA. It was all ending so suddenly. There wasn’t really any time to process it properly either, because I was on my way to host a fashion show with Mario Lopez for kids with cancer at Walt Disney World. I still had a job to do, so I had to put the mask on tight. 

Trouble in Orlando

After a fun first day at Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, I suddenly began to feel physically unwell. Before I went to sleep, I felt an uncomfortable tingle in the back of my throat. Oh no. I know what that tingle means. I was getting sick. When I woke up, my throat was in excruciating pain. Swallowing and speaking hurt. I told my manager who had accompanied me (not A, because she had to go straight to Las Vegas to work with the team behind the scenes), and she became pretty pissed off. Understandably, since we were there for an appearance that required me to speak into a microphone for several hours. I called my mom for support because I just felt absolutely dreadful, and my manager walked in on me and yelled at me for being on the phone. I just wanted comfort from my mom, and she yelled at me for that. 

I still attended the event because it was required and there was also no way my manager was going to let me skip. My voice was shaky and it hurt like a bitch to speak. My throat was flaming red and my glands were so swollen that it looked like golf balls were forming in my throat, but I did my job. I was careful not to get close to any kids, which hurt my heart. As soon as the show was over, I immediately went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, I began vomiting. I was due to fly to Las Vegas in 3 hours. I told my manager, but there was zero sympathy or support coming from her. My sickness felt like an inconvenience for her, and this wasn’t the first time she had treated me unkindly while I was sick. Suddenly I had a massive wave of nausea and felt something coming up. When I leaned over to vomit in the lobby as we were leaving, she scolded me that that was not the time and place to do that. I can’t control when I’m going to vomit though? I had had it at this point. I was done being treated like a 5-year old and I was done keeping quiet about it. We had a big blow out and I said things I really regret. From that point on, it was extremely sour between us. We wanted nothing to do with each other.

At the airport, I ended up fainting in the security line from my high fever, and a bunch of kind strangers assisted me because my manager refused. The airport staff came running over and got me a wheelchair, which I remained in until boarding. I’m honestly shocked I was still allowed to board! On the plane, I began to have serious shaking spells in my seat from my fever. Although my manager was sitting right next to me, she wanted nothing to do with me. Fair, and I don’t blame her. 

When we got to Las Vegas, she had already told P about my behavior, but P wanted to hear it from me. She saw how sick I was and how upset I was. I broke down crying because this wasn’t how I wanted my reign to end. I didn’t mean to cause any problems. I hated being sick, and I felt really bad about what I said. I was feeling unsupported and alone. I do not need someone to hold my hand and dote on me hand and foot, but I can become extremely bitter and mean when I start to feel like I am figuratively suffocating. I was sick, undeniably scared of the unknown that was to come in less than 2 weeks, and overwhelmed. P decided to have someone else come in and be my manager for the next 2 weeks in Las Vegas. She ended up selecting a dear friend of mine that used to work for MUO – ES. They flew ES in and flew the other manager back to New York. Until ES could arrive in Las Vegas, P arranged for my awesome hair and makeup team to take care of me and remain by my side at all times. They were an absolutely wonderful mother and daughter duo, and I felt like their adopted sister for a few days. 

Side note: I bumped into that manager one year later in Los Angeles, and we had a very civil, very mature conversation. I apologized, she apologized, and we hugged it out. 

I got even sicker during my first few days in Las Vegas, and they made sure to keep me hydrated and fed because even as Miss USA, sick days weren’t exactly an option and the first week of competition usually means very little rest. During my reign I had appeared in the Columbus Day Parade while having a severe IBS episode, I appeared at a red carpet event 48 hours after being hospitalized with norovirus, and I had hosted a charity fashion show while sick with the flu. I was expected to be seen at all these events in Las Vegas because I was the outgoing queen. I had no voice whatsoever for the first 3 events (my raspy laryngitis voice is definitely not sexy). Finally, by the end of the first week, I started to feel much better. Whatever gnarly flu I had caught was on its way out. 

Las Vegas As The Outgoing Queen

When ES arrived, everything felt calmer for a moment. She stayed in my suite with me in the second bedroom to make sure I wasn’t alone. After the first week of multiple events throughout the day where I had to be front and center the whole time, ES made sure we had some good times planned when I wasn’t on duty. The 51 contestants vying for my title were now in daily rehearsals, which meant I had a little extra free time. What a crazy moment. I was in their shoes just 12 months earlier. Now, they wanted to be in my shoes. It really is a lot of pressure to make the job look glamorous and exciting even when it isn’t. 

In 2012, at the time I was handing over my crown to someone else, MUO really made sure the outgoing queen was happy. It was going to be a bittersweet time for the soon-to-be former Miss USA. A new chapter was about to begin, but that meant a really good chapter had to end first. That really good chapter had not ended yet, though. Being the outgoing queen means you get a bit more freedom than when you were a contestant. Your schedule is not as grueling, AC had planned and styled all of my outfits so I didn’t have to, I had hair and makeup done professionally every day, there were more times to relax and rest, my call times were not as early as everyone else, I wasn’t limited to just the buffet when it came to food, and I was allowed to have a cocktail or two (contestants were not allowed to consume alcohol). Yes, I still had obligations and a job to do as Miss USA. I still had television appearances and filming commitments around Las Vegas, and I still attended every event the contestants did, but this time around felt a lot more peaceful because I wasn’t in competition mode. Tor joined me in Las Vegas just before the preliminary show, and MUO was kind enough to let him stay with me as well as attend a couple of events with me.

Being the outgoing titleholder meant getting to co-host the Miss USA 2012 preliminary competition, and that was a really fun gig. Once again, it was so nice to be onstage and not be in competition mode. I just got to relax and have fun with my co-host as the contestants competed in swimsuit and evening gown. This was me 12 months ago, on this exact same stage. 12 months ago, I walked across this stage with “California” across my chest, hoping to be the next Miss USA. And now, I was Miss USA and someone else was about to get this title. 

After the lights went down and the preliminary show was over, I felt like reality began to hit me like a ton of bricks. In 4 days, I would not be Miss USA anymore. That night’s preliminary show determined who would be making the top 15 in the final telecast. Someone in that top 15 would be replacing me. Was I truly ready to pass on the torch? In a few days, someone else would be wearing the crown and sash, and I would go back to being nobody. 

I couldn’t sleep that night. I was up all night with severe panic attacks. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My emotions were all over the place. Tor was doing his best to comfort me, but in actuality I don’t think anybody truly knew how to comfort me at the time. That’s not an insult to them, it’s just that my communication level was so poor at this time in my life. I did not know how to properly communicate my needs or my fears to anyone. I needed to be up early for hair and makeup to do satellite interviews with some of the contestants to promote the telecast, so the fact that I was getting zero sleep was also weighing on me. 

In the early hours of the morning, I began vomiting. I couldn’t stop dry heaving and gagging. ES was on the phone with someone, I’m still not sure who, explaining what was happening to me. Tor was scratching my back as my head was in the toilet and my mom had arrived to also give me some support. ES was calmly suggesting to the team that maybe I would not be able to do the interviews. Again I’m still not sure who it was, but supposedly someone on the other end told ES that if I did not get my shit together and show up for the interviews, that Trump was going to send me home immediately and not have me even be a part of the final telecast. ES relayed this to me while still on the phone, and she told me they would kick me out of the hotel that morning and send me home to Los Angeles, effectively being dethroned. After having 12 months of support from MUO, it suddenly felt like all that support had gone out of the window. Maybe they had put on a mask themselves the whole time and now their mask was fading because they couldn’t wait to get rid of me. I didn’t know what was happening, but I remember feeling terrified. I did not want my reign to end with me basically being dethroned and I was scared of what my legacy would be if that was the case. The hair and makeup team were sent to my room immediately to get me ready in 30 minutes. Someone also told ES to make sure I eat something, because that’s something most people want to do immediately after vomiting, right?

It’s a good thing I went to acting school because I had to use my acting skills to make everyone believe I was fine for all these national broadcast interviews for 3 hours. I had to smile for countless photos and I had to speak on camera as if all was well, as if I had not spent the night on my bathroom floor, shaking with tears streaming down my face and being threatened with being dethroned. After my obligations were done, I went back to my suite and crumpled up in the fetal position. My mom had ordered me some light food to nibble on but I couldn’t eat. I was mortified, embarrassed, depressed, and scared. I also felt betrayed. It felt like everyone had done a complete 180 with me. I felt isolated and alone. It suddenly became clear to me they wanted me out. 

They also wrote my farewell speech for my final walk for me, which I thought was dumb. When I got a copy of it to provide the voiceover for it, I was surprised I wasn’t given the opportunity to write it myself. “That’s reserved only for Miss Universe,” was what I was told. I disagreed. Miss Universe, Miss USA, AND Miss Teen USA should all get to write their farewell speeches because THEY are the ones who truly lived the experience for a year. Staff at MUO can stay on for years and do this over and over again. Titleholders come and go. We get one shot at this; only one year of this. I put my foot down. They caved and let me write it, but what I recorded was too long so it got cut. Unfortunately, the final cut meant I wasn’t able to thank S in my farewell speech, which I found out during dress rehearsal, and that is why I made a point to thank her in my on-stage interview at the beginning of the show.

Unbecoming Miss USA

Finally, June 3, 2012 arrived. This was the date I was going to crown the next girl as Miss USA 2012. The 51 contestants had been in Las Vegas for 2 weeks, attending event after event and participating in rehearsal after rehearsal. I knew exactly how each one of them was feeling. Tired but awake. Excited but nervous. Patient but impatient. Backstage was chaotic but I live for that chaos. It was bringing back so many memories of one year prior. The smell of hairspray in the air. The clouds of makeup powder everywhere. Someone with a headset and a clipboard shouting how many minutes until showtime. Chaos. 

After the opening number, I was brought onstage for a quick interview with the hosts. They were the same hosts that hosted my pageant the year prior. This was a full circle moment for me. One year ago, they introduced me to the microphone as Poison Ivy, but now they are introducing me as Miss USA 2011. I’ll never forget the gorgeous white Marc Bouwer gown that I got to wear onstage for that interview. Y did simple makeup and a bold red lip, and my hair stylist from last year’s pageant gave me gorgeous curls again. The crown was placed and pinned to my head for the last time, with my red curls swirling around it. This was my favorite look of my whole entire reign. I felt every inch like a queen, and I am glad that I felt like that on my very last night as Miss USA. 

After the cameras turned off for commercial break, I was escorted offstage. E was waiting in the wings. “I have to take that now,” she said, pointing to the crown on my head. The hair stylists took out all the bobby pins holding it in place, and then I used my two hands to remove the crown from my head one final time. There I was, holding the Miss USA crown that got to be worn on my head for a whole year, and it was time to say goodbye to it. No more appearances. No more being addressed as Miss USA. I could really feel the weight of it in my hands, literally and figuratively, and in an hour someone else would be wearing it. I handed the crown to E, and that was that. 

I changed into my final look as Miss USA – a baby pink gown with a dramatic trumpet bottom. This is what I would wear when I would take my final walk as Miss USA. When my name was called to take my final walk, it felt like a knife to my heart. This was it. My last walk as Miss USA. I walked to the end of the runway, doing one final confident strut because I still wanted to seem worthy of the title I was about to pass on, as if everything I had done over the last 12 months was not enough. I looked right at Trump, the man I was told who was threatening to send me home. I later found out that was not true, by the way. Someone had lied to get me to go on camera. But in that moment of my farewell walk, I did not know that and I looked at him as if to say, “I stayed. I’m still here. I still did my job. Be proud of me.” 

After my final walk, I was handed the crown and three bobby pins to place on the new winner’s head. I looked at the final 5 women remaining. One of them was about to be my successor. Now I knew how Rima felt when she was about to crown me. It was my turn to experience this odd feeling of being sad to pass it on but also accepting of the rule that we only get one year. And then suddenly I heard, “Miss USA 2012 is…. Rhode Island!” The new winner had been chosen. After the new Miss USA was adorned with her new sash, I snuck in behind her and placed the crown on her head. I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through her head, because at this point one year ago I was freaking out about my car being in valet. She took her first walk as Miss USA, wearing the crown and sash that I had worn for the past year and waving to the audience. She was the new queen. She was Miss USA. And it didn’t take long for everyone to remind me of my new place.

To go from having an entire team at your fingertips to absolutely no one in the span of 5 minutes was extremely traumatizing. When I asked, “How am I going to get to the afterparty?”, they smirked at me and said, “Taxi? You’re not Miss USA anymore.” During the onstage photos, I felt extremely parched and asked someone if I could have a sip of water. They told me, “You can get it yourself. You’re not Miss USA anymore.” Before I could even take a moment to everything in, everyone had already whisked away with the new winner. I was left standing there. In front of me was an empty theater. The stage was already being dismantled. Backstage everyone had already cleaned up their hair and makeup stations. I went to the dressing room with my mom and we gathered my things before finding our own way out.There was no manager for me now. There was no security detail. It was just me and my mom, essentially thrown to the wolves. Wow, they really were happy to get rid of me. 

I had felt abandoned. I suddenly felt like I was nothing to them now. I was back to being no one. After 12 months of working alongside them and forming what I thought were lovely friendships, it felt like it was all just a dream. It felt like it was never real. It was just all gone. I made the stupidest tweet ever as I walked back to my room about being free, all because I was feeling heartbroken. Was this how every Miss USA before me felt or was it just me? Was I taking things too personally?

The next morning when I woke up, it was the first day in over 12 months where I did not have an email for the day’s itinerary waiting for me. There was nothing. That daily email was for Miss USA, and I was not Miss USA anymore. For the first time in 12 months, no one had their eye on me or was being updated on my whereabouts. The whole team had already left Las Vegas with L, D, and the new winner back to New York. I saw images of L and D escorting the new winner to her coronation party the night before, and I won’t lie but it hurt a little. I felt replaced, but that’s essentially what happens. It’s no one’s fault – that’s just how it is. I couldn’t have expected L and D not to welcome the new winner with open arms as their new sister queen, but this was now the first day of my new life post-reign and I was struggling. Who was I now?

Before I left Las Vegas and drove back to Los Angeles with Tor, I decided to go visit a salon at S’s recommendation. I did the dramatic, big chop of my hair that I had just decided to do on a whim that morning. I had decided I wasn’t going to leave Las Vegas with my tail between my legs. I was going to be leaving Las Vegas as someone who had just been reborn. I just needed to figure out who I was now. I was no longer Miss USA. That life was over. Gone. This was a new beginning. Being Miss USA really is like being a shooting star. You suddenly appear out of nowhere, shining bright for all to see, flashing in a great wide streak across the sky. But in true shooting star form you do not stay for long, and you fade out into the dark night sky.

Unguided

As Tor drove us back to Los Angeles, I saw downtown emerge on the horizon as we approached the city after our 4-hour drive. This was the skyline I thought I was going to see one year earlier. I wasn’t so sure I was going to win Miss USA 2011. I was pretty certain I was going to be seeing downtown again a few days after that pageant. Well, that vision did come true, but just a little different than I thought. I left for Las Vegas in June 2011 as Alyssa Campanella, and I was returning to Los Angeles in June 2012 as Alyssa Campanella, former Miss USA. 

Upon arriving into our new apartment, the 21 boxes from New York were all waiting for me in our living room. Tor had started to unpack some of it for me, but most of it needed to be done myself. I started settling into my new apartment and trying to get a grasp on my new life. I was slowly adjusting back to reality now. There was no team guiding me or helping me anymore. It was just me and Tor. I mostly just slept in those first few days in my new home, unpacking as much as I could just to feel at home as quickly as possible. 

Not long after returning to Los Angeles, my modeling agency set me up with a photographer for some new test shots and digitals for my portfolio. With my reign being done, I was back to being a model and the agency needed new images to show to prospective clients. I went to the photographer’s studio, alone, and proceeded to shoot some edgy, editorial style images. I don’t remember how we got there, but at some point he asked if I was willing to reveal more breast in the images. Knowing they were just for my portfolio, I said it was okay. For those who are not familiar with modeling portfolios back in the day, we always carried these big books of our best images for clients to look at during casting calls. The only time test shots are seen is when a client is looking through our books. Semi-nude or nude was not uncommon if you wanted brands to get a sense of your body shape. I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t my first time posing semi-nude.

It was less than a week later when suddenly my images were all over the internet, specifically images with my bare breasts, with headlines like: “Scandal! Former Miss USA Poses Nude!” The images made their way to pageant forums, where I was called irresponsible, a slut, a whore, you name it. I didn’t want to believe the photographer would sell my images for a pretty penny, not someone my agency trusted and vouched for. I tearfully asked my agency how these images got shared online? They swore it wasn’t them who did it, so it had to have been the photographer. If that’s the case, that means he sold images of my body, kept all the money he made off of selling images of my body for himself, and allowed my name to be slandered. Now no one should wonder why I am extremely picky and selective over who I allow to take photographs of me.

I did not have a manager anymore, and I did not have a PR team anymore. I did not have protection anymore. I didn’t have anyone guiding me anymore. I was entirely on my own. P called me to let me know that the media were asking for a statement, and she asked me if I wanted to give one. I thought about it but said no. I didn’t want to draw more attention to it. I thought if I did not release a statement, it would go away faster. P agreed. It eventually did go away, but the feeling of betrayal did not. 

It was hard to fill my days after 12 months of something happening every single day. The first week or two felt like a bit of a vacation, but then after the second week of no longer being Miss USA there was a lot of “Now what?” moments. Yes, I had my agency, but it’s not like there were casting calls and photo shoots every day. I went from having daily itineraries for 365 days to having some days with absolutely nothing at all. Sure, that sounds like heaven to some, but it isn’t for me. I like to be busy. I loved being busy as Miss USA. Now that I was officially a former, I wasn’t as busy anymore. I was bored. And I was all on my own.

Trying To Make It In Hollywood

I really liked the idea of being a host. I enjoy being a master of ceremonies. I love getting everyone excited, and the idea of people having a great time legitimately feeds my soul. I love being onstage and I love being on camera. The team at MUO thought I’d make a good host and encouraged me to chase that dream when I passed on my crown. But aside from the one disastrous meeting at Food Network, it was up to me to make it happen. Yes, thankfully I had the title Miss USA on my resume, but as far as getting in the door and meeting the right people, it was all up to me. 

Remember when I mentioned that I had written thank you cards to literally everyone I had met throughout my reign, even if it was brief? Well, one of the people I had written to happened to be a VP over at NBC, and he remembered my thank you card. He said I was the first titleholder to ever send him one, and he had been collaborating with MUO for several years at that point. He was touched that I had written to him before I passed on my crown and acknowledged some of the things he was able to do for me during my reign. He called me in for a meeting at NBC, where we discussed what goals I had and what I wanted to do regarding hosting. He suggested I take some extra hosting lessons with a coach he recommended (I still remember her, she was awesome), and he set me up with a meeting with the Creative Artists Agency who I signed with shortly after. It’s like he became my fairy godfather. 

He’s also the reason why I adopted my cats Renly and Daenerys (“Dany” for short). When his wife rescued four abandoned kittens in their backyard in Los Angeles, he contacted P because P also adores cats. He asked her if she knew anyone who was looking to adopt a kitten. P immediately thought of me. She messaged me to tell me that four kittens were rescued in Los Angeles, not far from my apartment, and that since my psychiatrist’s emotional support animal was such a big help to me during my reign that I should consider my own emotional support animal to aid in my therapy. P knew I was also a crazy cat lady (something we bonded over), and so she encouraged me to go meet the kitties. Almost 2 months after passing on my crown, I was now the proud fur mama to two kittens – siblings we named Renly and Dany. They kept the other two brothers (Dany was the only girl) for their kids, and Renly and Dany came home with me and Tor. 

And P was right – I needed Renly and Dany at that time in my life. I’ve always needed them. Not being able to bring them to Hong Kong after my divorce was one of my biggest heartbreaks, but both Tor and I knew our cats would have struggled on a 15-hour flight across the Pacific in cargo. I think about them every day. My daughter has met them twice and she sees their pictures throughout our home. She knows which one is Renly and which one is Dany. They’re happy, healthy, and safe with Tor, and that gives me so much comfort even if I desperately want them for myself.

Despite attending weekly hosting classes, attending audition after audition, and attending meetings at some major networks, I never ended up booking anything. In between all of this, I was still going to modeling casting calls like I did pre-Miss USA, sitting in waiting rooms for an hour waiting to be seen by casting directors that would flip through my portfolio for 5 seconds before shooing me away. Even with “Miss USA’ on my resume, that was never enough to be considered for the job. In some ways, it began to feel like being a former Miss USA was a curse because I had worked a lot more prior to winning Miss USA than afterwards. I was working hard, I was networking where I could, but ultimately I just wasn’t “in” with the right people. I was so grateful for the opportunities that did come my way, and I was basically being my own manager by booking red carpet appearances for myself to help get my name out there, but I was trying to hold on to a title that wasn’t mine anymore.

When I saw Fadil in New York just a few months after my reign, he told me that the new Miss USA winner was going to go far because she doesn’t complain and she gets the job done. In the end, he wasn’t lying – she ended up becoming Miss Universe a few months later and one of the most famous influencers in the world. But at the time, it felt like a giant slap to my face. Fadil never bullshits; he is brutally honest and blunt which is why many enjoy working with him. However, at that moment, I felt crushed. I began to worry that no one would work with me, no matter how hard I worked or how much I wanted it, because I wasn’t perfect and wasn’t willing to fake it.

“No.” “No.” “No.” That’s all I heard for the first several months after my reign. I ended up being dropped by CAA, which was humiliating. All of my meetings with networks, producers, and casting directors led to dead ends. It’s really hard to become “someone” again when you go back to being “no one.” Plus, this is a very busy and popular industry with millions of people wanting to do the same thing, especially in Los Angeles, and there’s only so many job opportunities. I was grateful to even get some of those meetings, but I was discouraged that no one hired me or gave me a chance. Naturally, I began to believe there really was something wrong with me. I still had phone sessions with Dr. S in New York while I was living in Los Angeles, and I went on a higher dose of medication to try to cope.

I was really losing faith and sight of myself. Trying to stay “relevant” after passing on your crown is tremendously hard, essentially because all attention is on the new winner now, and if you were seen trying to draw attention to yourself it wasn’t seen as a good thing but as more of a pathetic move. It’s almost as if you would become a laughing stock online trying to keep your name out there because that’s what was considered necessary for a post-reign career in Hollywood at the time. No one cares about you anymore but you need people to care about you to hire you, but you can’t draw attention to yourself because then you appear desperate. It’s exhausting, confusing, and a bit soul crushing. As the months passed on since my reign ended, it almost felt like time was running out.

Then, finally, my modeling agency got me a commercial audition. I showed up to the casting office just off Beverly Blvd, and I was the first one to be seen that afternoon. To my shock and surprise, it was the longest time I’ve been inside an audition. The casting director had no idea who I was, but she absolutely loved me for the part and kept having me film different things with different actors. The details of the shoot were kept secret, so all I knew was this was a television commercial shoot for a big client. The audition requirements themselves had nothing to do with the actual shoot. 2 days later, my agency called me to tell me I got the job – I was going to be the lead in a series of Kia car commercials that would kick off during the Super Bowl! What?! I had to sign a contract that stated that I could not tell anyone until the Super Bowl, but I was elated. This was nearly six months after my reign ended. Filming commenced within the next week and took several days. The day after filming ended, Tor and I hopped in our car and drove out to Las Vegas to watch Miss Universe 2012, which was ultimately won by Miss USA (pageant fans will remember me losing my damn mind with glee).

A New Venture

Despite appearing in a Super Bowl commercial and several others that followed, it was still all crickets for me in Hollywood. Tor booked “Reign” right after my Super Bowl commercial aired, and for those first few months we felt like we were on top of the world. We really were. We were both trying really hard to “make it” in a town and industry that is notoriously hard to succeed in.

After I appeared at a Kia convention in New York City, I joined up with Tor in Ireland where he was filming the pilot episode of “Reign” and we proceeded to spend 8 days in Ireland after filming wrapped getting to explore the country. This was my first time in Europe without being on duty as Miss USA, so we got to create our own itinerary. I realized I loved researching spots to visit, restaurants to dine at, and photographing everything along the way. All of my other travels were always planned out for me or arranged for me – this was my first time getting to do it on my own. And I relished in it. When our year started, we had no idea we would be spending the month of April in Ireland. And then when “Reign” got picked up for a full season, we had no idea we would be spending the next 3 years in Toronto, Canada. Just like how I had no idea I was going to win Miss USA in June 2011 and spend the next 12 months living in New York wearing a crown and sash I always dreamed of wearing, I was now embarking on yet another unexpected adventure. With modeling gigs not really coming through, and with the hosting gigs also not coming my way, Tor asked if I wanted to come spend six months in Toronto with him while he filmed the first season. When I thought about what I was going to do, since I couldn’t model in Canada, I decided to take matters into my own hands. While I was Miss USA, I had been documenting all my outfits and sharing them online to encourage fans that they too could dress like Miss USA. After following major names like Chiara Ferragni and Kristina Bazan, I decided I also wanted to start my own website. I could document my outfits and fashion in Canada while I spent a few months in Toronto. With that, we packed up our bags and our cats, and we relocated to Toronto. 

I was extremely serious about my new venture in fashion blogging and I did as much research as I could. S got me in contact with her BFF’s husband who designed websites. A friend connected me with a company that helps you get commissions on your links, and they invited me to their annual conference in Texas a month later where I learned a lot about the up-and-coming world of blogging and influencing (this was 2013). Another friend connected with my PR agency to help get my name out there to brands and designers. My first website was called “Jumpers & Jasmine” – an ode to my favorite piece of clothing (sweaters/jumpers) and my favorite scent. Not the cutest title, but certainly not the worst. I did not have a fancy camera at first either; all of my first blogging pics were simply taken on my iPhone. Whenever we could, we would take photos of my outfits and upload them to my website, which was very minimal at the beginning since I was just starting out. Hey, you have to start somewhere.

12 months after passing on my crown, I wasn’t exactly where I had thought I would be but came to really appreciate how unexpected everything in life truly can be. I mean, I never expected I would be writing any of these articles from my home in Hong Kong. Asia always seemed unattainable to me and now I’ve called Hong Kong my home for almost 5 and a half years. I had really wanted to be a television host, and while I never got to do that in the end, I still got to do some other fun hosting gigs in the pageant industry. I didn’t end up pursuing a more serious modeling career, but I am eternally grateful for every single job I did book throughout my career. My experience with modeling helped me learn how to pose and style myself for my new website, which has led to so many doors opening that I didn’t realize I would fall in love with more than my original dream. I got to turn my love of travel, which I discovered during my reign, into an exciting career. To say I’m thankful, humbled, and at peace would be an understatement. This was where I was meant to be, and being Miss USA did play a part in that.

Life After Miss USA

It’s been 13 years since I passed on the Miss USA crown, and I have to say my life has been extremely unexpected and surprising but extraordinary. Launching my own style and travel website opened more doors than I expected it to. Having the title “Miss USA” attached to my name has certainly helped get the attention of many brands that I have collaborated with over the years, and it certainly helped me grow my following. I have gotten to work with some awesome major brands, I have traveled the world with international tourism boards (UK, Finland, Napa, Quebec, Alberta, Hong Kong), airlines, and hotels, and I have partnered with some incredible life-changing people. I have even had my travel photos from Iceland, France, and Finland published in Harper’s Bazaar, Vogue UK, and more. It has certainly been a very exciting life.

The initial months after being Miss USA were a bit dark and terrifying, and I had to rediscover myself and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. A lot of other 22-year olds can relate to that, especially after they graduate from university and have the whole world at their fingertips. But that world is huge, and as human beings we are all just very small pieces in a much larger picture. For some, they can ace that chapter of their lives with ease. But for others, that chapter is a bit daunting and overwhelming. I fell in to the latter category, and it took some time for me to find my footing. A few years after my reign, I did grab a lengthy brunch with P and I told her how I felt after my reign, that I essentially felt unguided and abandoned. She sympathized and told me they were going to do better in the future, as she really did care about all her titleholders.

I will always be extremely grateful for my year as Miss USA. Yes, the title has certainly opened many doors for me, but I also look back on the good and bad from that year to see how much I have grown since then. I was quite a troubled 21-year old going through such a major life event in the eyes of the public. I was unwell, mentally and physically, and did not know it until much later. I can “woulda coulda shoulda” about my reign all day every day until the day I die, but at the end of the day I am very thankful I got to experience something that really does seem like a fairytale. Even with all the bad moments (I did not share absolutely everything that happened), I would not go back in time to withdraw from competing when I did. 

The pageant is very different now from when I competed 14 years ago. If I had not already competed many years ago, I don’t think I would compete today. The experience is not the same and the reign is not like what it was when I wore the crown. It is no longer owned by the same people, and every single staff member from my time there is no longer there. It’s not what it used to be. It’s an entirely new organization with new owners, and I now have zero connection to any of it. That thought in itself is quite sad, since several years of my life involved the Miss Universe Organization, if you count when I first entered the pageant scene at 15-years old until last year when P resigned. It’s quite bizarre. I am grateful to still be in contact with P and several of the friends I made while competing. But as the years pass, it all begins to feel like it was all just a dream. 

As I sit here and write all of this, with my Miss USA tiara in my lap, I am feeling a lot of relief in writing what was essentially three very long diary entries. I’ve always wanted to share what it was like to be Miss USA. There are always so many questions surrounding the fact that I was once a national titleholder. There’s a lot of curiosity as to what happens during your reign, and if I had not competed in a pageant I would certainly be curious as well. As old pageants start to come to a close and new pageants begin to emerge, I hope I was able to give you all a bit of a glimpse into my experience. I’m glad I’ve gotten to share the good, the bad, and the ugly with all of you. Thank you for letting me share my story.